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These Ten People and Companies Will Breeze Right Through the Zombie Apocalypse

The world has to end at some point, and it may actually involve zombies. Yeah, sure, you're saying. After all, you're not one for all the doom-and-gloom and, ummm ... HELLO? ZOMBIES AREN'T REAL.

I hear you, but do you really want to have a President Bush-esque “failure of imagination” on the issue at the worst possible moment? Do YOU have a bunker to hide in, complete with a Secret Service detail to look after you? That's what I thought.

Zombies are a peculiar bunch with their un-deadness and whatnot, but they're really not so strange.  They are ruled by group thinking. While it's not terribly original, it is very powerful. Individually, they're kind of gross but easily outrun.

Once they embrace a common idea though, it's damn near impossible to get them to shake it, no matter how ridiculous. When you think about it they strongly resemble your typical group of office drones. If they are in the grips of mass hysteria they are a force to be reckoned with and downright dangerous.

Pay attention, because these ten people and companies have some traits that you will want to emulate.

They can deal with the zombies. They are totally coming out on the other side of the zombie apocalypse, and you want to be there with them.

McDonald's

First of all, this company has mastered the art of palatable yet indestructible food. That's going to come in handy when fresh veggies are in short supply and we're all forced underground for long periods of time. Plus, they know how to placate the masses and keep us distracted with bright, shiny things. This is very effective for zombie-human PR.

Coca Cola

You won't want to drink the post-apocalyptic water, and the fizzy stuff is tasty. Plus, you're going to need the caffeine for energy. You have to stay alert when zombies are on the loose. Keep several cases in your bunker.

Dennis Rodman

They say that God looks out for fools and children, and Dennis is remarkable in his cluelessness. He can surely make nice with the zombies. He will never make them feel bad about themselves, and their atrocities won't faze him in the least. They will make him one of their own.

Walmart

They just have so much stuff! The post-apocalyptic world won't be a place for cute boutiques and niche stores. Go out, get what you need and keep it moving. You can buy a gun or fashion weapons from whatever you find in the aisles. You can stock up on supplies. Face it, you are going to need Walmart.

Dow Chemical

The humans that are left will always be devising a plan to get the zombies. Chemical warfare may well be what does it for us.

Bill Gates

The king of tech will give us the computer intelligence to stay ahead of the undead and he'll make it user friendly. He'll continue to dominate the market by making sure Microsoft runs on all anti-zombie platforms.

Food4Patriots

This little-known company will blow up on the post-apocalyptic marketplace. They create long-term food survival solutions consisting of pre-packaged kits of high-quality survival food that is rated to last for 25 years. It all comes packed in secure, lightweight, waterproof storage totes.

President Barrack and Michelle Obama

This dynamic duo knows how to think on their feet and keep their cool in high-pressure situations. Barrack will be the one to say, “Quick! Follow me to safety!” and then actually get you to safety.

Jason Bourne

You might say “Get Bourne!” but then you will never get Bourne.

Hershey's

The post-apocalyptic world will have very few pleasures. Keep a case of Hershey bars in the bunker. Save them for when you need a pick-me-up.

Lonni Delane contributed to this article.



Latest Activity: May 16, 2014 at 11:38 PM

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